WOW! I can't believe that I am doing this? I am actually blogging. I have talked about it and talked about it but now it is becoming a reality.
Welcome to my blog...Sharp's Edge. I hope that you find what I have to say interesting and that you will share my blog with others. I want to be a voice that is heard far and wide. I thank you for taking time to visit and support me.
Well, look. It's 2011. I can't even believe that I am here. There was a time that I didn't think that I would make it here. 2010 was the WORST year yet the BEST year of my life. As you get to know me, I will share more about 2010 and what happened to me and what I learned but for right now, suffice it to say...IT WAS A TERRIBLE YEAR.
The good thing that came out of 2010 is that I learned so much about myself. I am in awe that I learned so much and that I was able to see things about myself that were once foreign to me. I never thought of myself as strong, sexy, visionary, creative, ingenious, handsome, stylish, GQ, brilliant, smart....NONE OF THAT; however, those are the adjectives that people around me were using to describe ME! ME??? ARE YOU SERIOUS??
I had such low self esteem growing up. I literally hated myself and everything about me. There were times I would pray to God to just let me die. I contemplated suicide, but I didn't have the nerve to go through with it, so I would ask God to just take me. I was in so much pain as a teenager. I hid my pain from everyone, but deep down I was a wreck. It took me YEARS to learn to love myself and give myself any credit for the things I did. I praise God that He did NOT honor my request for death. I now have such a rich LIFE.
2011 is going to be THE YEAR! Things that I have been saying that I want to do, I am going to do. One of the things is blog. People would come to Facebook and tell me that they look forward to my words. I am so flattered by that; there was a time that I didn't feel like I had anything important to say. I now know that I do.
I want you to read a note that I wrote about myself on Facebook. I wrote this a little over a month before my Daddy passed away and transitioned to live eternally with God. Read below:
People have asked me to BLOG for a long time now. Consider this my first entry.
You can't make family treat you like family. No matter how much you want it or try it, you can't make family treat you like family. I've decided to STAND. I am a SON, a BROTHER, a FATHER, a GODFATHER, an UNCLE. For some I have a new name...a CONVENIENCE. I realize that now. No longer fighting for it. Take me and my love for granted. I have lived long enough to know that one day you will regret taking my love for granted. It is one thing to have a life and want me to respect you for having it. I do. It is another issue all together when you make me out to be such a ogre because I want to spend time with you...considering that we spend NO TIME together. That's okay for you. You've made that clear. It IS NOT, WAS NOT and WON'T EVER BE ok for me.
I have learned that the hard way. My father as we speak lies in a hospital bed a mere shadow of all that he once was. I would give away everything I own to get him back to where he once was. That is how much I love him. That is how much I miss him...the him he was. He is the HIM that he is now and I appreciate the fact he is still with me, but it is the HIM that he WAS that has made ME the MAN that I am NOW. Even in his state now, he is still teaching me things. He is still being my father. He is still showing me things. This is what I have learned.
I know you love me, but knowing ain't enough.You telling me ain't enough. Love comes with SACRIFICE. Love comes with ACCOUNTABILITY. Love comes with RESPONSIBILITY. Looking at things through the cracked lens of dysfunction does not make the picture clearer; that is called DISTORTION. What is good for someone in a distorted situation is okay to them because all they know is dysfunction. We all have dysfunction. The key is not using dysfunction as an excuse or a reason for your shabby treatment of me. You can't keep telling me that you love me, but you won't spend time with me. If you want to see what a person has in his/her heart...LOOK AT WHERE THEY SPEND THEIR TIME AND THEIR MONEY. If they spend it doing all of the things they want to do then what they really love is THEMSELVES. If you ask them to spend time and money on you and the first thing they do is buck then they aren't willing to pay the cost from their reserve. No one has a problem with you living your life. It is your life to live and I want that for you to the fullest; however, that doesn't mean that I don't want a part of you for myself every now and then. You could slow down if you want to. You choose NOT TO.
How do I know this? I have lived it. I have done it...to people I said I loved. The end result....I LOST THEM. I regret it everyday of my life. No matter what I do now, I can't get them back. I have tried and tried and they won't take me back. My currency is no longer of any value in the country they call their lives. I have a heart full of currency that I can't use because they won't take it. I realize it is my fault. It is so painful to learn such a lesson, but it is a lesson I had to learn. I did this when I was young, dumb and headstrong. I thought I knew it all. I thought I had all of the answer. I thought all of my bullshit excuses were enough to keep them in my corner. They wised up and kicked me to the curb. It was years before I realized the damage I had done...to them and to myself.
How much talking and pleading and asking and explaining can I do? If you don't see it, then you don't see it. What else can I do? You can't tell me you love me so deeply, yet get angry everytime I say "let's spend time together." Then when you run down you life agenda and I am not on it and I complain, you treat me like I HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG. How dare I disrupt YOUR LIFE, with my needs and wants and my desires for you TO TREAT ME LIKE YOU LOVE ME?
In my years of living, growing and forming, there are things I know for sure. I am a damn good SON, an awesome BROTHER, and incredible FATHER, a spectacular GODFATHER and a magnificent UNCLE. I know this, because I have worked HARD to be those things. YES, IT TOOK WORK TO BE THOSE THINGS. Son, Brother, Father, Godfather and Uncle are only titles and words....IT IS THE ACTION BEHIND THOSE WORDS THAT MAKE THE DIFFERENCE. IT IS THE ACTION BEHIND THOSE WORDS THAT CHANGE THOSE WORDS to CLINT(son), BUBBA(brother), DADDY(father), BOO BOO(godfather) AND UNC(uncle). There is WORK behind those names. WORK THAT IS WORTH THE WORK.
But at the end of the day, no matter which one you call me know this. I am all of those names wrapped in one name.....ALVIN.
So if you are my Brother, my Sister, my Daddy, my Mama, my Baby, my Monkey, my Bookie, my Moe Moe, my Neffie or my Niecey, or even my FRIEND...you EARNED that place in my heart because of the WORK that went into the action we call LOVE. But the work it took to get there, is the same WORK it takes to stay there. Don't take me or take LOVE for granted. Life changes in the blink of an eye. What you have today, you can lose TODAY if you don't cherish it for what it is.
GOD IS LOVE! If we are a reflection of him, WE ARE LOVE. God tells us that He loves us and he SHOWS us He loves us. IF YOU ARE A REFLECTION OF HIM....CAN YOU SAY THE SAME. Stop saying it....SHOW IT. Time to take off your cracked glasses and see clearer. Step from behind your dsysfunction and walk into RELATIONSHIP. Life is so much more.
This is still so true. You are ONE, yet you are many. Take the things that you learned in 2010 and apply them to your life in 2011. Let a challenging year cause you to STEP UP TO THE CHALLENGE! I have a great deal that I am going to do this year. We gonna be BIG like JUPITER!! WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Here is to the first of many great conversations to come! I look forward to talking to you all.
Sharpen your Edge and your life won't be dull!
The Sharp One