Thursday, January 30, 2014


I been reflecting over my life this morning. I have things I want to accomplish this year. In ONE MONTH I have made drastic and tangible changes to my life in all facets of my life. I am so proud of myself. I am so thankful to GOD for allowing me the time to make these changes and to attempt to be the best version of me that I can be.

I grew up believing I was not good enough, that I was ugly, that I was unattractive, that I was unworthy, that I was unlovable. Those ideas and bad seeds (lies) were planted in my head from MANY sources. They all germinated to create one huge STINK WEED called "my existence".

It wasn't until 2010 that I went from "existing" and I started "living". IRONICALLY, it took the passing of my Daddy on July 1, 2010 to make me really look at ME. That journey took me on a road of self discovery. It helped me build a reliance on God in a way I hadn't before; but it also made ME rely on ME. I realized I had something to offer the world. I realized I had been cheating MYSELF out of getting to know and love me and because of that I wasn't gonna let anyone else really get to know and love me. I was keeping people emotionally at bay and they didn't even know I was doing it. I WAS MY OWN STUMBLING BLOCK.

What a difference 4 years makes!! Once I was suffering in silence putting on a face that I thought people wanted to see but on the inside was slowly deteriorating. I had to find ME. It's funny that people can sometimes see the gift in you BEING YOU before YOU can even see it. It was hard to hear that I was "special" when deep down I truly didn't believe it.

Well now, I DO BELIEVE IT. I embrace it. I embrace me. I love me and I love the God in me and the God that saw fit to make me...ME. ALL of my challenges, struggles and pains have brought me to this very moment. This moment of walking IN THE LIGHT. Walking with LIGHT! Walking INTO THE LIGHT! Basking in THE LIGHT.

I am TRANSPARENT TO YOU most of the time VERY MUCH ON PURPOSE. I know exactly what I am doing and now I understand why I do it. I do it because I want YOU to understand that if I CAN...YOU CAN. I don't mind being transparent if it means it will help someone else. I KNOW that I am not the only one that has thought they were ugly or unworthy, but I MAY BE the only person willing to admit it. I CAN ADMIT IT because it may help YOU ADMIT your true feelings.

My health suffered BECAUSE I wouldn't unmask my pain. In 2013, I gained 25 pounds in 2 months!! I stayed out of the public eye. I isolated myself from everyone. I didn't want to deal with anything anymore. I wasn't suicidal, but I was BROKEN. I went on a Healing Journey in 2013 and what I got from the journey is that YOU can't HEAL if you won't admit to YOURSELF that YOU are HURT, have BEEN HURT or are HURTING. That journey was a setup by GOD HIMSELF!! It was painful, gut wrenching; yet EYE OPENING AND LIBERATING.
Once I did that...I was put on the right path!! I stand now as a HEALING WORK IN PROGRESS. There is ALWAYS progress to be made. I dropped the weight, I came from darkness and TOOK ME BACK!! I TOOK FULL OWNERSHIP OF MY LIFE. So here I stand!!

I am a MAN!! A MAN that is also a HU-MAN!! I have all the emotions that GOD gave me and all the tools HE gave me do what it is that HE has purposed for me. NO LONGER will I EVER feel that I am ugly, unworthy or any other "UN". I will no longer look down! No longer will I run from being the caring, sensitive, compassionate and empathetic man that God called me to be. I am a Father. I am a Son. I am an Uncle. I am a Brother. I am a Friend. One day I hope to be a Husband; but most importantly, I AM ME! I will always look UP! I will embrace my gifts of communication, of music, of creativity to bring MY LIGHT to the world and let MY LIGHT shine. I will NO LONGER dim my light so that a DIMMER LIGHT around me can seem brighter. I will SHINE! I will LIVE! I will LOVE!

This is my STORY. This is my LIFE!

To be continued... (you'll get that double entendre on the way home)